Getting a Driver's License in Germany. . . (Or not getting one).
Two very different stories of customer service in Cologne.

A little background first. Actually two background stories.

1. The Germans here in Cologne are not as rigid as I thought they would be. Really, they have been friendly. They revert to English before you even speak to them. I finally figured out they know you are American no matter how you dress or act before you speak because of our wedding rings. For the most part they are helpful and glad to assist you with whatever you need. Seriously this extends to their bureaucratic officials we have encountered from Passport Control to the City of Cologne offices.

They do however have a history first under Roman rule here and then under the Holy Roman Empire and even Napoleon for having complex laws and rules. They mostly like rules and follow them. And they prefer you do too when visiting. But they really are 99% understanding of your ignorance as a visitor. We recently asked someone for help with our use of German articles and whether to use die vs. der for a particular noun and the response was, "It really doesn't matter I know what you mean." Most of our encounters are like that. (Ask me sometime about a similar encounter in a Parisian pharmacie when I asked for something for my mal de tete.)

2. I don't know how many of you know this, but I have a scar on my retina in my left eye. Born with it and complete hearing loss in my right ear. No pity needed, I have never heard anything in stereo and have never really used my left eye for more than peripheral vision, so since I was Born This Way, I don't really have anything to miss.

Anyway the scar leaves a hole in the middle of my field of vision right on my focal point in my left eye only. While I cannot look directly at something like a menu and read it, it is adequate vision for driving since my right eye does the bulk of the work. It did, however take the intervention of doctors for me to get my original permit from The State of Texas in 1981. Yes, that long ago. Please don't post a comment about how you were not even alive then. I just don't think my fragile self esteem could handle it! I have managed to retain that license for my entire driving career, renewing it in TX and never trying to get another any place else.

Fast forward an entire lifetime to last year.

Before coming to Germany we knew that our ability drive as tourists lasts about 6 months. By then you are required to have a German Driver’s License. Apparently this is necessary because it can take forever to get a license here for expats. Depending on the state you are licensed in, you may have to take a bazillion question test that can take a large chunk of that time to study for and pass. There are several requirements you may have to meet, but Texans only have to pass the vision test. . .(however I highly recommend you study the driving stuff anyway and know it since the rules are different here).

The process for us starts by getting transcripts from the State of Texas that show we have had our licenses for more than 2 years. Germans get their license when they are 18 or later, and they are provisional for two years with restrictions at least on driving at night and possibly others. We promptly provided the lady from the agency who helped us with much of our ppw. She stated or ppw was flawless and was pleased we were able to provide answers so quickly and paperwork so clear it will easily please German officials. A real compliment coming from a German (see above)!!

The process requires you go to the local ADAC (the German version of AAA) and get your license and supporting ppw translated. In Koln at the ADAC, there is one person who does this. She can't be there every day of the 6 day work week and was not in the day we went with our guide to work on this.

The way it should go is you arrive and take a number. Yes, there is a wait. When your number is called the person (apparently just a clerk and not some official) takes your information, copies your ppw and gives you the copies, then submits the originals to this lady for translation. You return a week later and pay for and pick up your translation and your originals. Then you take the translation, your originals, some money and a copy of your vision test to the Stadt (City of Cologne) where they make it all official and you pick up your German DL about 6 weeks later. Simple, right?

I knew the possibility existed I would have some trouble with the vision part but was unprepared for the trouble that ensued with getting a translation.

So we arrive, take a number and wait. There's a little shop filled with travel guides you can peruse then purchase. . all in German. It has been stressful looking for a place and we had a rotten disagreement that day about something that turned out to be unimportant. Grumpy, not speaking to Steve and trying not to cry in front of our guide and I HAVE TO PEE. About 45 minutes later we are called. (For the next couple paragraphs, remember this is not the place where we deal with my vision issue, it is simply where we get an official translation).

We arrive at the desk with our flawless paperwork :). The lady we have decided to call HELGA takes our ppw and an instant dislike to me. She looks at the flawless report from TEXAS (on State letterhead with a State seal I might add) and our licenses and determines there is some sort of problem. Add to that my driver's license has an issue date and Steve's does not. Apparently good 'ole Texas joined the 21st C and added issue dates in the two years between when we both renewed and mine having one makes his suspect. No kidding, there is obviously a problem. Our really kind quiet patient assistant and this giant 7 foot tall blonde with messy hair and a no sex life are shouting at each other and turning red in the face. In addition, the mean German lady is pointing and gesturing at ME and MY ppw.  Little ol' ME???

She then starts stapling our stuff together, gives Steve his copies, folds up mine to keep, looks at me and states loudly and firmly while pointing at me, "You, don't drive!!" Another shouting match ensues with the evil empress clerk involving her colleagues in her adamant statements and pointing. Steve and I, for the most part, stay silent answering few questions when the real issue finally comes to light. She doubts the veracity of our entire driving existence/history because of an interesting quirk. My form, because I kept my license up to date and in the same state, says I have been driving since 1981. Do the math. That form says I have been driving for 31 years. 31 years. Apparently this lady thought I was too young to have been driving that long and my ppw was somehow false.

ROTFLMAOLOLZ. Just too darn amusing. I hope Helga met a man that night. Sincerely she needed it. I just am glad it was something so dumb.

That is the great story. Read on for a far less interesting one but also important to highlight the differences in how one can be treated anywhere.

Our new friend, Helga finally gave in to the demands of our assistant and gave us both our copies and we returned a week later to pay for and pick up our translation and our originals with no further drama.

The next night after this encounter we took our copies and the form from ADAC showing we'd requested a translation and went to a local optic place. They are very similar to the small glasses stores in America. They have someone qualified to give vision test but no opthamalogist on the premises. We arrive in a store with maybe three employees and a few customers. It is late enough in the day that people are off work and they are not dead but busy enough. You take a vision test that takes no time at all and pay 8 Euros, get a form and you are out the door. I was fairly certain if it was a test where you just read the letters, I would pass. I pass vision tests with my glasses all the time at home.

I don’t know if it is the constant darkness, a need for a new prescription, or just the strain of all the decisions we were making, but I failed the simple vision test on the little machine and started bawling. Ok, it was quiet sobbing with tears rolling down my face and no scene but I was pretty sad. The lady was amazing and sympathetic. Despite having customers who were going to buy glasses for money, she called a colleague with better English over to help me while she continued to assist Steve while there were waiting paying customers in the store.

Her colleague took me to a chair in the back and gave me the more traditional eye chart with mirrors vision test I can pass, and we discussed the issues with my left eye. He stated clearly this was a problem but could easily be taken care of by going to a good English speaking German opthamalogist and getting them to write a letter stating I could drive. . .These two people took time despite being in a retail business to assist us. It was such a far cry from the mean lady from the day before.

I found myself choked up yet again when the lady walked us to the door, holding it open for us and calling, "Tschuss!!" to us as we walked away.